now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
