yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm having to shit out rocks
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
