Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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