You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
