i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
