Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
