tonight lets celebrate not being married
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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