As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
