So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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