I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Your penis caused this!
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