youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
