I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
