I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize