So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize