This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
