I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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