I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
