Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
