oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
