My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
