I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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