I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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