I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Randomize
