You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
