New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
