Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
it glows. i had to have it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
