you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize