margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
