I cockslap morals
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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