Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
