I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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