I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
