Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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