my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
