The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
