I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
