Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize