i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
