a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
