I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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