I molested 6 butterflies tonight
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
