Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize