you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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