Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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