I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
