All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
