I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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