I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
