if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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