i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
