The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
