I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
