I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
