he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
