ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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