i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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