Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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