why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
