I could make wine with my vomit
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
