Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
